you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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