Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
