i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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