why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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