My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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