After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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