Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
