Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Damn victory sex feels great
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
