don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
