I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
