The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
