I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
