I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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