Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
