Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The Olympian is in my bed
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
