I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
