The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
