somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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