First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
