Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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