Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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