Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize