Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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