she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
