It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
