i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
