3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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