Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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