I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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