Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
