New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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