i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
