I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
