upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
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He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
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I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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