his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
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She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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