Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I FOUND THE LEGS
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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