Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
