Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
