New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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