what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
