Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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