Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
