You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
