Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
