the condom got lost in my hair
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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