can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
