New invention idea: vibrating tampons
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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