im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
