I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
