I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
