I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
