I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
