i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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