my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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