she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
