My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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