where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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