I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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