Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
