He is like the real live version of the state fair..
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
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She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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