He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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